God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
