Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
