The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He passed out mid-signature
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Houston, we have a blender
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
