Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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