it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
