I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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