I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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