Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
