he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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