did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I am available for nakedness
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
