I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
