Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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