i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think your dad took our porno
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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