It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize