Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
