she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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