i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
