You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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