You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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