new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
