I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
