You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
