I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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