There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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