before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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