My friends, they love my intelligence
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
