I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
