your thong is hanging out like whoa
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Be still, my beating vagina.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
