he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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