A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Mom said you looked used
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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