Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
