Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
