Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
