Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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