btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
