I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
