I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
