Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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