I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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