so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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