we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
