nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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