hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
