I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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