My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The air was thick with penises
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
