i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just high enough for therapy.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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