Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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