I am spending my child support on dildos
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
