Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
