My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
