The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
