If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize