Your mouth is God's brothel.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
