Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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