i jhust puked up my retainher.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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