His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
