I cannot find my penis.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
barbara walters just said penis...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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