I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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