At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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