my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
