Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
