I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
