there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
