guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
